A couple days ago I was suffering of high fevers and an acute stomach ache due to some poisoned food I ate over on either Saturday or Sunday. I literally couldn't even move without feeling like I was gonna die and that my insides would make their way out of my abdomen somehow. My doctor sent me to rest for 48 hours and on those 48 hours, I spent approximately 24 of them alone and thinking.
You see, when you're a loner like I am, being alone doesn't seem like much of a hassle, you always seem to find something to do or to get entertained. But when even the slightest sound gets you unnerved then you're off to an awful day. Because your thoughts start to wander and your mind starts going places you don't allow yourself to go normally.
And that's when disaster happens.
You start playing several songs on your mind that remind you of the good and bad times, and suddenly one of them hits you like a cold slap on the face. "Helena" by My Chemical Romance was its name.
For a moment, I was in my high school graduation party again, wearing my all black ensemble with a black and white tie, like Gerard Way was wearing on the "I'm not ok" video. And I couldn't help myself but to laugh not on how ridiculous I must have looked, but on pride of myself, because through high school I always thought that something was missing.
It wasn't my sexuality, or lack of people I could call friends, how unpopular I was, or how much I was suffering. It was identity. I can't say I had lived until the moment I truly got to experiment the glorious taste of failure. After high school was over, that was it.
It didn't matter how many friends I had or didn't have, because I wouldn't speak to most of them. It didn't matter if I was or not acknowledged as a part of the class of '05 (yes it has been that long), it didn't even matter that for the past 18 years of my life, I had been less than a wallflower. Nothing really mattered, except that moment. That little, independent fashion moment.
At least on my last moment in high school I was able to do my own thing. The simple statement of wearing an all black ensemble where people decided to wear navy, sky blue and even chartreuse defined my following years, and I didn't even notice it until now. That stupid little rant I had over the black and white tie, that wanting to wear "chucks" to prom, that smile I had that day.
I needed to be reminded of that. All in one 3:30 mins song.
Many of you probably never heard of it, and many of you probably have heard of it. But to me this song, made a difference in my life. It helped me experience sadness and glory. It helped me experience freedom and choice and more recently it made me feel young and stupid.
Let's never forget why we're here, and what brought us to where we are.
This video, this song, that year, those were the simple days. Today, I take a vow to myself. To not relive the simple days, but to keep on living them. To keep the fresh blood running and the cold rain falling. This isn't just a "phase" boys and girls, this is an oath we pledged since we were born. We are the freaks, the geeks, the bitches and the witches.AMEN.